Some lovely lovely advice(:

"It must be annoying to have everyone watching you, but on the bright side you are constantly aware people around you care." (To explain a bit, my mom has temporarily placed me on her own version of suicide watch meaning i can't be alone, my sister has to check all my websites, my school keeps tabs on me, etc. It's just annoying, which led to this quote).

"I know it's really dark for you right now. But find the thing that gives you a little hope and cling to it with your whole life. You will make it through this." (My counselor said that to me one day because i'm a rather hopeless person. I can't always live by it daily, but it's nice to tell myself. And it's especially helpful on the days that i do have things to cling to).

"It can either be a bump in the road now, or the end of the road later." (This is probably my favorite out of the advice i've received lately. It pushed me to be open with my mom about my problems since they were serious. But the quote is really true in general. You can either do something you need to now, or avoid it and have a bigger problem later. I love this).

"You are going through a rough time, but rough times are temporary. You WILL get through this." (This is my second favorite quote. It's just so inspiring for me. It might have a lot to do with who the quote came from, but it still gives me hope. It makes me want to keep going. It takes a special person to have that impact on me).

So the message!

Okay so a lot of people rag on their teachers and the staff in their school for numerous reasons. Even the kids who don't rag on the staff still think it's incredibly awkward to talk to them unless necessary, and to even get to know them. I, however, am not one of those people. I love my teachers (erm....most of them). I always have. In fact i still keep in touch with my kindergarten teachers, and many others along the way. I find that some teachers/staff are the nicest most supportive people out there, especially when you need them. The reason i am saying this is because the message i talked about in a previous post came from my teacher. Yes, my teacher and i email, and no, it's not creepy. The teacher i'm talking about now is one i love. She means the world to me. Think what you want, but it's important to have that person.

So basically what this message said was: It's my job to voice my concerns but not to email you now and remind you that people love you. We do, you're special and unique.

I took out a little bit from the end (it was advice) because i'm going to make a separate post for that too. But that was basically it. And it made me so so so so happy. Because she's right. She doesn't have to email me on a saturday to say that she and many others love me. She doesn't have to continue to help. She's already done her job. But she chose to. She cares about me and loves me enough to keep doing so. And that means the world to me.

How could that not make you happy, even for a little bit?

A happy post(:

Things have been really bad lately. I mean serious enough that my teacher told the counselor, and the counselor called both my parents. That almost never happens (unless it's bad). I don't want to focus on that though. You just have to know it's been bad.

But today i got the nicest message. Well, maybe not the nicest message i'll ever get (although it was pretty freaking sweet) but it definitely came EXACTLY at the time i needed it. Today so far has been especially rough. But this email made me smile. It made me cry for so many different reasons. Mainly because i realized people truly truly cared, and i realized they love me. But it also made me realize that having those feelings (of being cared/loved) made me want to live. It gave me hope. It brightened my day. It helped in so many ways.

I don't know if i could really explain how much it helped. I mean, it didn't fix things. I'm still not okay, and i still have an extremely long way to go. But that ounce of hope it gave me makes me want to hold on. It makes me want to eat again (as in not starve myself), and to smile, and to move on. I have felt alone, uncared about, and unloved for so long. You have no clue how much that can mess you up unless you've been there. And honestly, one message can make all the difference for a while. It really has the power to do that.

Please don't get me wrong. I know one message isn't some miracle worker, i'll be just as depressed tomorrow, and like i said things will still be hard. But right now that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because right now i am sure someone loves me and cares. It's even better because they don't have to.

The point is, right now i'm a little happy. And that is something huge to me.

**There will be another post to come with what the message said and so on**

A random survey i found from Yahoo Answers, it's old. But i love answering these things. It's random, but oh well.




What time did you wake up this morning? 3:30 am. 

Who is the first person you spoke to after waking up? My mom.

Are you currently listening to any music? If so, what? Good Time by Owl City.

Have you taken any surveys other than this one today? Yesss.

Whose birthday is up next on your calender? MINE!

Do you have plans for tomorrow? Nope.

Who would you like to meet in the future? God.

What are you currently looking forward to? Dying. Morbid but true.

Have you ever touched a shark? Yes.

Are you avoiding someone/something right now? Of course.

Where's the farthest you've ever been from home? Wyoming. 

Is today special to you in any way? Not at all.

Where's your cellphone? My chest.

Do you believe in second chances? Yes and no.

Is there anyone on your mind right now? Nope. 

Are you a fan of Sharpie markers? I like them.

What CD or song is your favorite right now? Good Time by Owl City.

Have you changed out of your pajamas today? Nope.

Can you speak any other language, even just a little? Spanish.

Where is your favorite place to travel to? Kentucky.

Who is your favorite musician? Cimorelli.

Where did you last shop at? Kroger.

Do you cross your legs when you sit? Not often.

What was the last story you read? The Other Wes Moore.

Have you seen both of your parents today? No.

Are you ambidextrous? Hardly.

Do you prefer writing in print or cursive? Print.

What is your favorite TV show? Jessie.

Is anyone you know a police officer? No.

Will you visit any relatives over your next vacation? No.

Are you planning on watching a movie tonight? No.

Do you wish you were currently somewhere else? Yes.

Are you a fan of scented candles? YESSSS!

Is there any food you're craving? Egg rolls.

What's your current favorite lyric? Now i'm here in a sticky situation.

It just occured to me that i've been basically alone all summer. I mean i spent almost one month with friends and family, but the other two months have strictly been me sitting alone on the couch watching t.v. all day. That is all i've ever wanted to do in the past year, and i'm thrilled that i can now. It's great to be alone and i don't have to act happy. But i'm worried for school. Not because going actually scares me (i've had dreams about school, i'm so happy to go back), but because i'm afraid constantly being with people will make things worse. Being with people in the summer has sucked, so hows school gonna be? I'm just worried :///

Death.

I want to die. Right now. I seriously just want to kill myself right now. I don't even care about anything else. The things i used to cling to as a reason to live are fading away. I just don't know. How do i even explain that i want to kill myself? It's just not something people understand. I just don't know what to say. But thats what i want to do. I want to sob and just die. It would be so much better if i were dead. I mean really.

BLAH.

So i failed at blogging every day of summer. Yeah, so what. I fail, and well, i know that.

But right now, i need to vent. I have no one to tell, nothing. So where do i turn every time? Here.

See, Abbie got her phone taken away. That whole situation alone causes me a lot of stress. See, basically she's grounded and stuff and her GM is looking at boarding school, which means i won't get to see her this summer. I was hoping i could though, especially since it would help our friendship. But when i mentioned hanging out she was just like okay. I asked her if she was excited and she was like no. And all i'm thinking is that's kind of rude, ya know? It just hurt. I know things are hard for her. I get it. But still, it hurts. I didn't say anything though. The point is, that's why i can't talk to her and that is something thats stressing me.

The other thing is, we were planning on going to a movie. We being me and Grace. Anyways, while we were doing that she started inviting her other friends which is fine, go for it. But it made me feel incredibly awkward. I'm a very shy person, and the thought of being shoved into a group of random strangers gives me a lot of anxiety. It just isn't pleasant. I just don't feel comfortable with that.

Then Grace started skyping with her friend which again was fine. I was just on the computer, so it doesn't even matter. But as she was talking to her, i started feeling bad. It was so clear how much less i am when compared to Grace's friend. I'm like nothing, and she (and all their other friends) are so much better. The longer they talked, the more clear it became and the angrier i got. I don't know how to explain it but i know that i am less than them. I'm not as good as they are, and it's just clear. I hate myself for that. I mean genuinely hate myself for it.

It's just been a rough night. I don't know. I'm complaining too much. Sorry.

**FYI: I don't know is seriously my go to answer for everything. That and i don't understand. Both a generally true, but there are also a lot of times when i say one of those just out of habit.**