My life recently.

I'm going to start with today, and work my way backwards. Crazy, i know.

So i'm at the lake this weekend, and i'm not going to lie most of it has sucked. The rooms are gross and i swear they are made for people under 5 foot 3. The rooms are also incredibly small, and trying to fit 21 people (lets just say none of us are super skinny) in one room is insane. We had a hard time getting here (it is in the middle of nowhere and the closest gas station is literally two hours away), and there is NOWHERE to eat. It just sucks. However, we are right on the lake. And the lake is GORGEOUS. We have had a lot of time seeing family, and we definitely surprised my uncle for his birthday (thats why we came). There have been tons of laughs, and even more pictures. So it's not an overall bust. And i would even be willing to come back, given that fewer people were confined to the room. Did i mention it's beautiful? So lovely.

My nights are still bad. The days have been too, but it's a lot easier to block those things out with five crazy little kids running around. I just can't stop thinking. It's awful. Even when i shouldn't be sad, i am. I constantly think about things (more like they just pop in my head) and they seriously take over. Depression sucks. It just takes over, and most of the time i am on the verge of tears. Concentrating in class is getting harder, smiling is a lot harder, everything in general is harder. I know i'm complaining a lot but i have no where to take it. I don't know what to do about it. No one in my family knows. Not a single person. And i would hate to tell them in case they treat me differently. They already talk about my three year old cousin who's in therapy, and say his mom has issues. What if they knew i'm in therapy and depressed? I couldn't handle it and i desperately don't want to tell them. Despite all that, i'm fairly sure i'll have to. My therapy ends thursday (sucks) so we're going to talk about what i can do this summer. I will not be surprised if she suggested medication because i honestly can't do this on my own anymore. Anyways, things are just hard on my own. But lets be serious, telling everyone won't help either. They can't make it better even if they want to.

Spring break was awful. It was like depression on steroids. Enough said.

The rest of my week has been okay as long as i'm not thinking. That's all i can honestly say for anything. I don't know how Abbie has done this for so long. I'd be borderline suicidal too if i were her. Hell, i am sure i will be eventually.