Hope.

I do believe i have a little hope right now. I mean sure it will go away again, but that's fine.

You know what i realized today? I mean honestly realized and actually somewhat believe? Things will be okay. You see, i hit myself again today. It has been four days (today would've been the fifth) without hitting myself. And it was hard, and i know for a fact going more days will continue to be hard. But after i hit myself, i realized i didn't have the same satisfaction i had previously gotten. Now it could've been the moment (which is my bet) because i was only somewhat upset with myself. It also could've been that i realized i don't need it. There's honestly no telling which it is. Either way, not recieving that satisfaction made me think that maybe things will get better and one day i wont need any of this.

The bigger thing i realized was this: Wes and Linda really love me, God loves me, and goodness it's taken me so long to truly believe it. I had previously promised wes and linda i wouldn't hit myself, and they said regardless of what happens they wouldn't think of me any less, and they love me. Hitting myself today made me realize that. Even though i slipped and did what i shouldn't have, they still love me. It makes me want to stop hitting even more. The fact that they love me knowing who i am completely, is one insecurity i can take off my list of reasons to hit. So while i'm disappointed in myself, and they might not be thrilled, they still love me. I couldn't ever ask for more than that. Knowing that they can really love me, and have faith in me and hope (and know) things will get better, only inspires me more. The whole point was, i realized they truly love me.