Hitting myself, and making it through the day.

Make it one hour at a time. That's all i have to do. I don't need to worry about getting through the next hour, or day, week, month, summer, or year. Just the hour i'm in. 

I know that's a little silly, but focusing on making it day by day or making it through summer seriously freaks me out. It makes me anxious and it makes things worse. It makes reality set in that i won't be dealing with things for one more hour, but for a long long time. I guess i sort of live in denial. I'm fine with that, as long as it keeps me calm. 

It's easier to breathe when i only have to go through the hour. Of course it does nothing to pacify my emotions, but i can breathe a little easier, and it takes the edge off my anxiety a little bit. Anything to help.

Speaking of things that help...hitting myself. I haven't done it in almost a week. Actually one week and a day. I am proud of myself, but sometimes it's really hard. Thursday was awful, night time is awful, and i am pretty sure it will always be that way. It's hard not to beat myself for the things that happen. Beating myself gives me some control, ya know? It's a false sense of control though, and i know that. What it really does is make me addicted to it, and slowly takes me away from everything (even though i've already been withdrawn from those things).

Christy says how strong i come off, and how she knows i am strong. Linda has said the same thing, along with Abbie. I know they mean it, and i completely understand how they see that. The only thing is, i don't feel it. I don't feel strong ever. In fact i feel so weak sometimes. I have so many problems, i am not normal, i am dependent, and i can't solve things on my own. It makes me feel weak. **I should mention that i am supposed to dispute those thoughts because i know those are things only I think. No one else.**

Really fast i want to mention school. I went to therapy on thursday during my lunch which no one knew (although i think my teacher knew it was something like that. I don't know for sure though). So i missed lunch and went back to class. I was ready to cry, in fact i teared up constantly in class. But my teacher let me go eat lunch when she realized i hadn't, and i was (am) so thankful. I was hungry, but i seriously needed to get out of class. I wanted to cry and i had no where to go. Being able to walk around was such a relief for a few minutes. I just wish i could do that during all my classes. It would definitely calm me down. I also wish i could just explain that i am smart, i just can't focus in class when i'm trying not to cry every single day. That's why my grades are bad.