Okay before i go on, please understand that this is the ONLY thing i hate. I don't have it in me to hate other people, even people that may deserve it. I hate actions that people do, but i don't actually hate anyone. I do however hate EVERY SINGLE THING about this. Anyways:
I hate fighting for happiness. I hate being trapped in sadness. I'll be sitting at ANY event that should be fun (cousins birthday, hanging with friends, etc) and almost all of the time i'll be thinking about how sad i am. Not in a "Oh poor me, i pity myself" way, but more like i can feel the sadness. The feeling just takes over and i can't ignore it; I literally have to fight with myself to smile and act happy. I hate that feeling. And i hate constantly going through this battle in my life. It's every second of every day. Seriously if i could i would just quit. It's not something i can fully explain. I can't begin to put into words what it feels like being sad and even being so constantly. I can't explain the hate i have for this, and i really can't explain the amount of energy that goes into this. I just want so badly to be happy one day. I know it'll take time, and i know it will come. But i wish it wasn't so hard. I don't know how i got here. How my life got to this or anything. I don't like admitting this but i've actually thought about hurting myself, and even suicide. I know those don't solve anything, i know they are selfish and everything, but they are appealing. Because maybe, just maybe, they will fix something. Maybe they can make something better.
I just need help. I need help so badly all the time.
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