Hell.

I don't know what depressions like. And i don't know if i have it. But i googled depression. I took online quizes (i know it isn't a real diagnosis). I asked my friend what it's like (she has it). And i have a lot of the symptoms. I've had them for months. They don't go away. They don't get better.  I don't want to tell my family. But i need help. I need to see the doctor. If anything i need to be told if i have depression or not. And then i need more help. I just don't know what to do. The feeling is overwhelming. I don't know how to get rid of it. I never saw the point in self harm, or drinking away your problems. But i'm actually at the point that i can see why people do it. I think about it and wonder if it does make the pain go away. I'll do anything.

I just want out of this all. Not saying that i'm going to kill myself, but at least i'd be out of this. I have thought about it a lot today. Not how i'd kill myself. But more like "if i jumped off that roof i'd die." I just want to die. There. I said it. But i can't. I never will. I would never hurt Abbie that way. I would certainly never break Celena's heart like that either. I need someone to talk to. I want to talk to Linda but i don't want her or Wes worried. I don't want them going through any trouble for me. I would tell Abbie but i just don't know if she wants to hear it. Maybe i will. I don't know. I just don't know.