Wish.

I wish i was skinny. I wish i was pretty. I wish i was tan and tall, and didn't have to look like the crap i do right now. I see all this girls on tumblr, they look perfect. Maybe their lives arent but they look beautiful, they're tan, skinny, nice hair, they could get all the guys. I don't want all of them, but it'd be nice to know even one cares. I just want to be pretty. I just never see it in myself. If i tried to look like one of those girls off tumblr, all you would see is my fat flaps, rolls, an ugly face, also known as me. I've had people argue that i'm pretty. Really? I'm pretty? How is 205 pounds and 5'6 pretty? How is this ugly skin color i have to be envied? What about these rolls on my face? You think those are nice looking? Or how my butt jiggles when i run? Yeah you want that? No. Let me tell anyone who cares to read this. I'm not pretty, i'm not beautiful, i'm not something to look at. I'm ugly. No one wants to look like me or look at me. It's awful. I am just a fat tub of lard that keeps getting bigger. The day i become pretty is the day someone looks at me and actually thinks so. I see those things on facebook, tumblr, etc. that talk about how every girl is beautiful in her own way. Wrong. No i am not. Society didn't fuck up beauty for me, it didn't make me feel this way about myself, the fact that i am ugly did. The fact the i'm like 70 pounds over weight is what's making me ugly. I know what pretty is, and ladies and gentlemen, i'm not it. How can someone like me be beautiful? I can't wear small sizes, i can't run a long time, or stop eating. I cant bend over without my pants sliding down and i can't even always find clothes that flatter me. Bathing suit season is the worst, and shorts aren't an option. Nothing about me falls into the category of beautiful. Maybe into the category of "Oh she can cook" or "I bet she has an appetite that matches mine", but never "wow, she's so pretty". 


Let me just say one thing before someone out there tries to argue. No one has called me pretty on their own. Sure, people have called me pretty, but it's only because i ask if i am. Or if i say i'm fat. No one just says it because it's true, they say it because they have to in order to be polite. Don't believe me? Send someone who is seen as pretty, in societies eyes, to the mall in a new outfit. They'll be complimented at least twice. Send someone like me into the same situation, and i'll receive no compliments. I won't even be noticed.


I'm going to change though. I will become pretty. I will be able to wear a cute bathing suit this summer, and i will be looked at by someone. I will be noticed. I will be skinny. I don't care how i get there. I don't care if i only eat dinner or if i have to run every single day. I just have to do it. One day i will be skinny. One day i will be able to wear nice clothes and look like those girls in tumblr pictures. One day i will.