Alone.

Every day i feel a little more alone. Slowly but surely i feel like one less person cares, one less person wants to know, one less person realizes somethings wrong.


I don't know. I just don't. Don't know why it bothers me so, why it hurts so much, why i have to deal with this. I complain about this so much i think, but i really think it's serious. Each day that someone cares less and less, my self esteem drops just a bit. Slowly i've come to realize that each day i dislike something else about myself and mean it. I shouldn't keep making myself feel like crap, and i shouldn't always have this constant feeling of sadness and wanting to do nothing. I want so badly to tell someone, but who can i tell? Wes and Linda? They love me (i know) and they care, but they're far away. They can't do anymore than they already are. My counselor left, and i have no one. There's not a single person out there right now that i feel like cares (except wes and linda). At the moment i don't even think Abbie cares that much. Not Nicole, not Grace, not family or any other friends. No one. I just don't know how i long i can take this. It's driving me crazy. I ache for no reason that i find valid. I'm pathetic.


I just realized that i told Linda the other day that i slowly stopped saying bad things about me. I was wrong. Sort of. While i'm not as much as saying bad things about myself to myself (you look ugly today), i think it. I look in the mirror and see the fat. I look at pictures and count the rolls. I think of every calorie i'm consuming with every bite. I notice my pants getting tighter and it all rubs in the fact that i'm getting even fatter and fatter each day. That i'm getting uglier and uglier each moment.


It is slowly taking over my life. Slowly killing me bit by bit, slowly confusing the crap out of me. I can't wait to get out here and go to college. Hopefully things will change and get better then.