Indifference.

Some kids hate people. Some kids love everyone. Some kids adore their parents and family. Others despise them. Me? I'm indifferent. I don't know if i should feel bad about it, and i've got a feeling i should. I should care about my family, the people that gave me life and have loved me, and i know that feeling indifferent isn't right. But nonetheless, i feel it. It's not that i hate my parents or family, because there are sometimes that i truly like them. For the most part though (we're talking maybe 90% of the time) i feel completely indifferent about my whole family. 


See, with my mom things are hard. I don't hate her. I don't like her. She's just there. I'm just there. And while she gave me life and i appreciate that so much, there is no way i can get along with someone so different from me. Please understand that i still love her, i'd care if she died or moved, i'd miss her too. But living with her, i dont want. Talking to her, i'll pass. Having her in on everything in my life? Screw that too. I know eventually someone will read this and say to themselves "Don't say that about your mom, she's your only mom. Love her because you don't get another." Let me tell you something, i do mean it. She doesn't care about me. She says she does, but honestly, she couldn't tell you anything about me. Not my favorite color, not the classes i take or when i have tests, not my friends names or the plans i have, not what i want to be or what i think about. She knows nothing about me. Not  a thing at all. It's not that i've never told her either. It's that she doesn't remember. If i tell her something, i literally have to tell her three times at first, and then remind her several times daily up until then. It's not this was with everything. She knows all about chelsea and her plans, she remembers things about quentin, and especially school. But me? No. My mom just is that way. She doesn't care. Chelsea remembers all these things, heck dad remembers more than her and i rarely see or talk to him. My friends parents remember more. Linda and Elizabeth remember more. I'm honestly saying all my other "moms" remember and know more than her.


I feel indifference towards my dad, the rest of my family, and especially my dad's family because i don't know them. I couldn't tell you much about anyone in my family even if i wanted to. I know i should love them all, but i can't honestly love people i know nothing about. I don't know, it's confusing. I hope one day that will all change, because i'm open to loving them, but honestly i don't know if it will. Something about that scares me a lot. The rejection that presents itself is what it is. That seriously scares the shit out of me.


This is totally unrelated, but realizing no one cares feels awful. Realizing i have no one when i need them, that i'm completely alone. I don't know what's happening. I don't know where my life is going, or whats going to happen after people start leaving me alone more. I don't know what i'm going to do about this feeling of sadness and not wanting to do anything. More than anything, i don't know what i'm going to do when all this takes over. I'm scared, but i can't do anything about it. No one cares. No one understands. Not a single person at all. I always wondered how Abbie could say no one cares about her. That she's alone and that she always will be.I never got it. But now, i do. I completely, 100% do.