My lovely mother.

Before i move on, i wanted to clear this up. I really do want to love my mom wholeheartedly. I don't, but i wish so much that i could. She is a wonderful person no matter what i say or how i depict her. She really is. She teaches little kids, and has seriously changed so many of their lives. She works hard, raised three kids on her own and afforded the extra things we never needed. It's just me being who i am right now, and she being who she is, we don't get along. We have honestly fought so much, and she honestly knows nothing about me. I do love her, just not with my whole heart. I know i should. I feel bad for not doing so, but i really can't explain how much i can't. I can't completely love someone who laughs at gay people or mentally challenged, or who says rude things to me and yells at me all the time, i can't love someone that clearly favors my sister, or talks bad about my dad (no matter what our relationship is like). I can't completely love someone who is a major hypocrite. I want to, and i try so hard to look past all of that, but i can't. I can't accept that part of my mom. That's the part that's stopping me from loving her wholeheartedly. That's the part that is slowly tearing down our relationship, one brick at a time. More than anything i want you to know i don't hate her. I love her as much as i can. She's my mom. 

Tonight, she felt compelled to yell at me to do things. Which isn't surprising since she's been this way my whole life, and her patients are really running thin with me. However, we were eating dinner (chilli) and i would get a spoonful, and place a cracker on top of it. Then it all went into my mouth at once. While i was doing that, we were talking about christmas eve, and how i couldn't dress up. My black pants were too short, and the other was too small. I only had jeans. That conversation dropped since i was making her mad. I went on to put another cracker on my spoon and shove it in my mouth. This time (the 5th time) she actually saw me. She said "Has it ever occurred to you that your pants don't fit because you eat like that?". No exaggeration, that's what she said. And i was thinking, well thanks mom. You just called me fat. I really appreciate it. Not like i've been struggling with that. Of course now all these come backs are flying in my head, all completely rude and useless since i'd never say any of them. But really, her comment hurt. It just was rude and honestly pisses me off.