Tis the Season

And i should be jolly. It's christmas eve eve. One hour (44 minutes) from christmas eve. I honestly should be pumped, i wish i could be like i was when i was five. Things were so magical then; just so exciting.

Of course the commercial part of christmas is overrated, but the rest of it too (NOT Jesus' birth though). Getting presents is nice, but it's common. I get presents every year, things i always like and things that i will always forget within the next month. I get presents no matter what. I could be a pain in the ass all year, and still get presents. I could leave my moms house and not talk to her, but i'd still get presents from her. I could do just about anything and still receive gifts. It sickens me a little. I don't deserve gifts this year. I honestly don't. I want them somewhat, but at the same time i don't. I'm craving something more than some item. I just want the people i love to be near me for some time. Grace, Abbie, Wes&Linda, Grandmother, my dads family, all my family really, etc. As much as most of them drive me crazy, i just want them here. Particularly the first 6. If i could have all of them here with me, i would honestly be the happiest person.Gifts are just gifts. They are lovely and so much fun to receive, and i am so very grateful, but they're just things.Things i'll move on from and in twenty years i won't remember at all.

I've been thinking about it. I really should be excited. Presents are waiting for me, family, friends, and great memories. But i can't help but remember how there are things that are no longer waiting for me. What i mean is, i should be pumped for my Grandmothers tomorrow night. But no. Because this is the 7th christmas eve i haven't been to her house. This is the 7th Christmas eve i haven't seen her. The seventh year she's been gone. This is the 7th year i haven't heard from my family, and the 7th year i've tried to accept this all.This is also the 7th year i've failed at this. I think more than anything that's what stopping me from being so excited. Focusing on this completely kills my joy. A few days ago i was pumped, dying to know what i got. A few days ago i also still had this pushed out of my mind. Maybe someone understands what i mean, but i don't know. It just hurts a little more each year. That i'm only 16, and i've had to go 7 Christmases without my grandmother, and i have a lifetime more to go. Those first ten christmases weren't enough. I can hardly remember them. I can hardly remember anything. I want more. I simply want more memories, more time with my Grandmother that i won't ever get back. I said that i wanted people back with me for christmas. More than anything, i want my Grandmother back. I could live with not having everyone else for christmas. At least i can talk to them on a regular basis and know they're alive and well. I can't do that with my grandmother. I can't sit and talk to her or hug her, i can only trust she's doing well in heaven and hope one day i finally do get to hug her and talk with her. She's the one i want back. She's the thing i want for christmas. I want my grandmother for christmas and no matter what i can't have her.