Mothers.

I complain about my mom a lot. Probably more than the average teen. I've said things i don't mean, and i said things that were intentionally rude. I constantly have attitude and i have for the past 6 years. I don't make life easy. I break a lot of things, partake in expensive activities, lie, take her money, ignore her and basically treat her like shit. I hardly tell her i love her, and i don't hug her unless she makes me. I have been the worst child, and i completely own up to that.

I used to say i don't love my mom. I would say i care, and that i like her, but that i don't love her. That ladies and gentlemen is called denial. I love my mom a lot. More than anything. She has been amazing. That pain in the butt child i described is one she has put up with for years. Not just from me but my brother too. She keeps loving me no matter what. She keeps buying me knew things CONSTANTLY even when i don't respect what i have. She gives me money, and forgives me even though i take hers. She takes me everywhere even though i by no means deserve it. She does everything for me and i've been awful in return. But here's the thing. I don't want to be good. See, when you're a bad kid like i am it makes it harder to get close to your child. For years i have pushed myself farther and farther away from my mom, not telling her anything about my life. In fact what has happened in the past 7 years would be complete news to her. I give constant attitude, yell at her, etc, because it keeps her away.

I know. If i love my mom like i say i do, then i wouldn't do those things. And you're right. That makes total sense. Except for i'm different from most teens. My thought patterns aren't the same, and i'm a freakishly pessimistic person. Listen. I know my moms going to die one day. I know one day soon i'm going to have to leave her. I'm not going to have a mom. And that thought scares the shit out of me. It always has. When i was little and my mom would go on trips, i would cry and cry because i wanted my mom. Even when i was in middle school. But it's not just the thought of losing my mom that makes me act the way i do. It's the fact that if i was a good child, and did all the right things, then i would be giving so much more of my heart to her. What i'm doing is resisting things as much as i can. And by all means denying that i love her. All because one day i'm going to lose her, and i'll be able to save a little bit more of my heart when that happens. Things won't be as hard.

It's stupid. I am aware of that. But i honestly love my mom so much as it is, that i can't change. I can't invest more into this. It will kill me if i do. When it comes time for me to go to college, or for her to die. I will not make it if i love my mom any more than i do now. I've seen what happens to me when people leave that i love and that i've given my heart to. I still haven't gotten over my parents divorce. That ended my dad and my relationship, and i loved him a lot. I love my grandmother even more than that, and gave her so much of my heart, and her being gone still kills me to this day. I cry when i think about wes and linda, and everyone else. When i love someone, i really love them. And seeing most of them leave kills me. I simply refuse to let that happen with my mom. I love her more than anything, but i know i won't make it if i love her any more. That day will come, and it will destroy me. That's why i act the way i do. Because i love her so much. And it's time i start protecting myself.

Like i said, i know this is dumb. It's irrational. It doesn't really make sense to any one but me. I get that. Believe me, i am completely aware of the rational side of things. But i can't make myself believe it. So i'll stick with what i've got, as terrible as it is.