Just don't.

BLAH. I am kinda fucking pissed. You'll have to excuse my language. I generally don't like to write using with cusswords, but you know what? I don't care. I'm mad. So i'm gonna express it.

Now before i go all ape shit, i need to own up to my own fault. The only reason i found this was because i was snooping through my mom's school email. I went in to delete an email i accidentally sent her, which she was fine with. However, as i was there i wondered if she had gotten an email from any of my teachers (the reason being i confided in one of my teachers, and one of the things i told her she could have reported, had she wanted to). So i looked, and found one she sent to my counselor. I read it, and i was not pleased. She was basically asking what i had said in therapy (although my school counselor doesn't know either) and to have the stuff released. The counselor did what she could, but in the end the only way my mom could know what i said is if i sign a release form for it. She probably figured i wouldn't go for it, so she never told me. And i get it, she was being a concerned parent. Yay for her. What pisses me off though, is that she went behind my back. Everything she asked about, IS STUFF I ALREADY ANSWERED FOR HER. I stated those things clearly several different times. Yet she doesn't believe me. She never does. Its like every damn thing i do, she has to go back and check. Even when i know i'm right and the topic pertains directly TO ME. It's just like back the fuck up and believe me for once. Give me a break. Please.

And see, there is a reason i don't want to tell her anything. All of the stuff in therapy, everything that is wrong, is stuff i have specifically chosen not to tell. I don't want her to know. It's not necessary. She has been pushing for months that she can help, but i know she can't. All she can tell me is that it'll be okay, and come up with her own remedy. What she doesn't  get is that i need more than some remedy like "get off your ass and help out" or  "clean your room" (because that legitimately would be her suggestion. It always is). I need someone who can help me stop bottling things up, someone that can help me change my thought patterns, beat the addictions i have, etc. And that is a job bigger than a mom can handle. No matter what she says, it is. Aside from all that, everything i have to say could only hurt her. Yeah, i fucking can't stand my mom. But that doesn't mean i want to crush her with all i have to say and make her feel like she's failed. None of this is her damn fault, and none of this can be fixed by her. I won't let her blame herself. But i wish she would just stop. Just see that this is my problem, and that if one day i want to share it then i'll share it. But right now i'm not ready, and right now i won't. Why can't she just get that?

The reason i'm depressed, everything thats wrong, the way i am, etc., is all my fault. Completely my fault. Therefor i will handle it on my own, just the way i should. And my mom just doesn't get that.