Day whatever.

This is going to be my diary for today, since so much has happened. This has nothing really substantial, just a lot of drama which gets confusing, and guilt on my behalf. Tons of ranting, and to top it all of a serious talk somewhere in there. 


I don't know where to start, with except i feel so alone right now. I'll explain what i'm feeling in a second, but yeah. So right now, there's no one to talk to. I mean i messaged Stefani about it, and she hasn't answered. Linda hasn't either but thats okay because i don't want to hear what she will say (she's always right and so helpful, so i'm scared she'll judge me because this was wrong). Grace and Abbie already know what happened, but they are happy with it and i'm not. And past that, there is no one else to tell. If all else fails, i might tell Pastor. But probably not. So basically i'm alone and feeling like shit. We're talking to the point that i just want to sit in my self pity ten times more so than normal. I don't want facebook or texting, i don't want school work or cleaning. Nothing. That's basically what i'm feeling. But i am also having tons of guilt and just kind of beating myself up. It' just so conflicting, and it literally sucks having to go each day smiling, acting okay, and sucking it up. I'm not okay, not just because of what happened, but because of everything. 


So nicole and i got in a huge fight, basically ending our friendship. And while a small portion of me doesn't care because we barely had a friendship in the first place, the rest of me feels incredibly guilty because i do care about her even if we arent friends, and i know i hurt her. So Abbie and Grace are fine with how things are, but i'm not exactly. If i tried to take her back, i'd regret it for my own reasons, but also because they would hate it. If i don't try to get her back as a friend, then i have to deal with all this and seeing her twice a week for 2 hours each. It's just killing me. 


So that's bringing me down, plus my mom is pissing me off. I'm incredibly tired of her, it's just making me mad. I love her but we are clashing more and more each day. More than anything though, Elizabeth is leaving this winter and this thursday is the last day i will ever get to see her. It's killing me more than anything, and the fact that i'll have to make the next 3 weeks without my counselor. Two of which will be awful, i'm sure. It just hurts a lot. I don't like it.


I had more to write earlier, but i didn't because i was just too mad. Now i wish i had, since i'm so tired of it and feeling numb.