I'm not even sure.

I don't even know what to say anymore. Silence and hitting myself are the only two things that somewhat express what i feel. There aren't words for this. Sadness does not accurately describe depression. It doesn't even get close. Anger doesn't describe my feelings towards myself, and being tired doesn't even begin to explain why all i want to do is sit. There are so many negative emotions i feel right now that just don't have words. How do you explain why you started hitting again, or what it really feels like to want to beat the crap out of yourself. How do you explain the disappointment and constant self loathing, or the feeling of losing something important every day. What about the fear and the anxiety? Or the uncertainty of everything out there?  None of that simply fits into one word. Why? Because there is so much more to it. You would think that because i have depression that i could describe what it really feels like. But i honestly can't. Depression is just depression, and i promise you never want to experience it.

I want to hit myself over and over. I wish i could separate into two people just so i could accurately beat myself up. I deserve it more than anything. I don't know what more to say except that i've been sitting here all day, not saying a thing, and it's killing me. Depression is slowly killing me, and i don't know what on earth to do about it. I don't know where to go anymore, who to trust or who could even help. I'm lost in so many ways, and there is nothing to do but sink.