Day 5 of summer has been nothing. For those who care ( and i'm 100% positive it's none of you), i started shedding the lining of my uterus. And it was freaking painful. See, for the first year this happened things were great. No cramps, nothing. The next year there were cramps but they weren't bad. Go forward two years, and the cramps are TERRIBLE for the first 3 days. So yeah, today was just a day of pain and sitting in a blanket curled up even though it's 90 degrees. I know you all really wanted to hear about my cramping situation. Anyways, that whole event left me on the couch. I still plan on making my summer bucket list, if not today then tomorrow. Really the only thing i have to do to day is shower. So yeah, it's been a boring day. Something positive though.......once again nothing. I guess since i have to pick something it'd be that i got a pretty color of nail polish. Yupp, that's it.
Now story time. I was listening to music today thinking about how i signed up for chorus next year. For those who may not have caught on, i worry incessantly about things that are going to happen. Things that shouldn't be nerve racking at all. So of course i was thinking about how i can't sing that well, and how i don't know if i really want to do this anymore. I know i don't sound well when i sing alone and in chorus you have to sing alone to be graded. That part worries me a lot. I don't want to be embarrassed. This is one of those moments when i slowly begin to let my fear and worries take over. I have a friend that is making me stick with this no matter what because we both know that if someone doesn't force me then i'll chicken out and regret it. Anyways, on to the story. When i was younger, maybe 12-13, my friends and i were driving home from a church concert. The guy driving us had our favorite radio station on and we were just chilling. I was singing lightly when my friend (And she still is my "best friend") told me to stop singing. I never did ask why she wanted me to stop, but i naturally assumed it was because i was bad. In that moment it really hurt my feelings. Even now it hurts my feelings. I'm not mad at her though because i know she's right. It just kind of hurt to be shot down. I don't know why that always stuck with me, but to this day i wont sing in the car unless the music is blasting and no one else can hear me. I won't sing around friends, family, not even at church. I have a big fear of being bad at things and i simply refuse to do them in all scenarios. It's an awful trait to have.
If i could wish for any 5 things right now they'd be this:
1. To have my Grandmother back, or to be able to visit her.
2. To have confidence in all i do and in myself.
3. To be able to talk to Linda and Mrs. Clark more often. They always help me so much, but can only help so often.
4. To be normal. Normal meaning skinny, not crazy, pretty, nice, outgoing, etc. All the things people say i'm not.
5. To be happy. If anything, i would just want to be happy.
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