Stupid thought.

So for the longest time one of the biggest things i wanted was to see my dad's family again. I haven't seen them for 6 years, and i really truly hate that. I don't know if i want to see them so badly because they really did mean so much to me, or because i think they meant so much to me since they were my family. That's one of the hardest outcomes of my grandmother dying when i was ten. I honestly can't remember their roles in my life, even though i know they all played one. I was too young to appreciate seeing them all the time, and now that i wish i could it's too late because after Grandmother died we stopped having gatherings. I love them though. For the life of me i don't know why, because in the past six years my aunt contacted us 3 times total, and the rest of them haven't bothered to talk to us at all. I shouldn't love people that clearly don't care to see me, and don't care to speak to me. Or any of my siblings for that matter. But i do, and it tears me up...a lot. However, for the longest time i wanted to drive over there and see them after i get my license. And i can honestly say, that's one of the dumbest ideas i've ever had. For one they clearly don't care about me, so i shouldn't bother them by visiting. There's also the fact that i have no clue what i would say to any of them. I mean really, am i gonna pop up and ask about the past 6 years? No.

Like i said, i don't know why i'm so attached to the idea of family. Because as much as i hate to say it, my family sucks and i really don't need to be fixated on it. Family is overrated as my brother put it, and dammit he's right. Family isn't something i've ever really truly had. Not a story book family. But that's for the next post.

Honestly, i'm glad i realized the stupidity in the idea of going and visiting them. I'm just some stupid 16 year old girl, stuck in what she thinks she had as a kid. Visiting them probably would have ruined me (emotionally). I am telling you right now, i won't ever do it.